The January 2021 day that the world was fixated on the mob of Nazi halfwits storming the US Capitol in Washington DC, we had a more pressing domestic preoccupation. But rest assured that Donald Trump played a vital role at CAFCA HQ too. Let me explain. Two days previously I was trimming our grapevine when I noticed streaks of slime low down on the house's exterior back wall (thank goodness for unrepaired earthquake cracks, eh. I knew they'd serve a useful purpose some day). Slime had not been a previous feature of our exterior décor. Further examination established the streaks were wet, which led to the conclusion that we had a leaking pipe inside the wall.

The day it was all happening in Washington, our plumber came here, just back from his Christmas holiday at an alpine resort town. I consider us very lucky to get a plumber, or any tradesperson, in the first week of January. He's been keeping us dry and out of the old proverbial for around 20 years. It quickly became a worst-case scenario. He couldn't locate the leak by going under the house or by cutting a hole in the bathroom's interior wall.

So, he had to cut a big hole in the exterior wall, which is made of roughcast plaster. And there was our leaking hot water pipe, which had been discharging water for a long time judging by the wetness of the floor under the bath. How did the pipe get punctured? When the back of the house was rebuilt during major renovations in 1998, the pipe was put too close to a screw in the wooden wall frame. Over many years, the hot water in the pipe caused it to expand and contract and repeatedly rub up against the screw. 18,000 earthquakes in the last ten years probably didn't help either.

Once the plumber had replaced the length of leaking pipe, he had to leave the hole open so that our insurance company could inspect it. He asked if we had any plywood for a temporary cover? No, but I do have a stash of past and present Waihopai spy base protest placards in the garage. What's more, they're on recycled sheets of a waterproof material that had been Green Party election billboards in a previous life (an Anti-Bases Campaign colleague who is in the Greens supplied them).

I found one old placard of the two Waihopai spy base domes, with Trump's face on one and Jacinda's on the other. It was produced by the incomparable Ian Dalziel who, in addition to producing his signature cover graphics for Watchdog, has supplied ABC with a steady stream of original big posters for Waihopai protests.

So, at the time of writing (but hopefully not for too much longer), Donald Trump is covering a hole in our back wall. Don't worry, he's facing the wall, so we don't have to look at him. I can't think of a more fitting use for him. If anything, it lets him off rather too lightly. After all, he models himself on Fascist dictator Benito Mussolini (he even bears an uncanny resemblance to him). Mussolini ended up hung upside down in a public square after Italian partisans had shot him; Trumpolini gets to stare into a hole in our wall. It will have to do.