MOVING FROM A TANGLE TO A WEAVE
Watchdog no. 172 (August 2026)
We’re fighting over the definition of “woman” again. Talking past one other, not listening. Hurling insults, hitting one another over the head with different facts, reaching for the “gotcha!” satisfaction that lets us feel we’ve done our best by those we care for. How did Aotearoa get to this? The land that produced the Topp Twins, those stroppy, lesbian, activist, drag-wearing, country-music-playing grrls with a NZ fanbase of just about everybody. Jools Topp died as I was writing this—this is for you, Jools, a go at thinking about how we could sort this mess out…
This fight has rumbled along in Aotearoa since at least 2018, when a law was proposed to remove the existing requirement for evidence of social transition or medical intervention before a person could change their sex on their birth certificate. This small change had big ramifications. The Crown Law Office, which checks new Bills against the Human Rights Act, pointed out that the change might well conflict with existing laws protecting women’s sex-based rights, and recommended the Bill be revised. No substantive change was made and in 2021 the Bill passed into law.
Battle lines were soon drawn. Speak Up for Women (SUFW) formed to make submissions on the impact of the Bill on women’s rights. The opposition from SUFW and others was fiercely criticised and widely shut down as “hate-speech”. When several councils refused SUFW access to their venues for public meetings to discuss the Bill, the group sought and got a High Court ruling that they were not a “hate group”.
Since 2018 there’s been virtually no calm open public discussion of the implications of this Act between those supporting and opposing it. So, it’s hardly surprising that feelings still run high and people still talk past one another nearly a decade later. Where do we go from here? After years of avoiding discussion, just enacting tit-for-tat laws to define sex probably won’t resolve it.
This fight is distracting and dividing progressive and Left-leaning people at a time when we urgently need unity if we are to defeat the Coalition Government’s extreme far-Right agenda. And Rightwing politicians are circling, looking for their advantage, ready to keep emotions high and this usefully distracting fight going. It’s worth trying to come together on this. Here’s an invitation to look at how we could do that.
The issue of trans rights versus women’s rights is not just a legal or scientific question of how we define “woman” and “man” or “sex” and “gender”, though that is also key. It is now a collection of situations that arise from those definitions. It affects how we think about and act on gender dysphoria, youth suicide, gay sexuality, puberty blockers, public loos, pronouns, safety in women’s refuges, male violence, safety for trans people, fairness in women’s sports, sexual predators, bullying, academic freedom, youth mental health and more…
These issues make up a tangle of strands of intense human feeling and personal investment. The more those involved in this tangle feel unheard and discounted, the more they/we angrily pull harder on our own strand, making the tangle ever tighter and harder to loosen. Meanwhile, in the rest of society, many if not most people look on, mystified and exasperated: “Just get back to calling them men and women like we used to!” and “Just stop freaking out and accept people who are different from yourself!” and “Just stop – there are way more serious problems we need to solve together!”
Conflict resolution practice tells us that a person is far more ready to take in facts if they see evidence that the other person has heard and understood their point of view. You need to build a relationship before you can sign a contract. So, let’s take a moment to step back from the arguments, the science and the legal definitions. Let’s first acknowledge the strands of intense feeling and lived experience involved in this issue. Here are some I know of, from my life. You will undoubtedly know of others, from yours.
The transwoman sharply aware of how much guts it takes to present oneself as feminine, as she/her, and how vulnerable this makes her in a world where men have always punished other males for crossing the gender boundary. But doing it anyway and feeling her real self, strong and exhilarated.
The young tomboy feeling confused and uncomfortable with the pressure at school to identify as trans and to see herself as really a boy - but doesn’t want to lose her friends.
The gender-nonconforming teen who in the trans community finds a warm supportive home, a wealth of information and protection from school-yard taunts of “gay”.
The quirky non-conforming person who tries “non-binary” on for size and enjoys how it fits and lets her/him/them finally feel more solid, exploratory and accepting of others.
The young gay man full of anger and deep regret at having let the professionals he trusted persuade him into medication and surgery to transition when he was younger.
The young transman thoroughly enjoying how people treat him when he passes as a man.
The old transman who’s passed as a man all his adult life, feeling relief and joy at being seen and accepted.
The old lesbian who knows she would have gone for the drugs and surgery at that age but is glad now that she had children and grandchildren - and kept her erogenous zones!
The older married man loving the social acceptance to explore himself as feminine, as he’d so often wanted to.
The mother fierce as a lion to protect her quirky non-conforming son from bullying and do the best for him according to what the experts are saying and what he so much wants.
The counsellor acutely concerned for the suicidal teens coming to her for affirmation of their true selves and help in transitioning - and incensed that others would stop her from following recommended practice.
The old lesbian angry and deeply grieved as she watches gender-nonconforming kids, so like her and her gay mates at that age, being persuaded they are “in the wrong body” and need drugs and surgery to be happy.
The older gays and lesbians quietly drifting away from rainbow gatherings that now seem so full of straight people who view them as bigots for focusing on sex and bodies - and dreading a likely anti-gay backlash.
The retired public servant who worked hard to get affirmative action into Government, business, academia, full of dread now watching those rights being rolled back as countries turn authoritarian – and angry at being unheard and vilified when she tries to warn others.
The old refuge worker, remembering all the women she’s known, abused, attacked, killed - shocked and angry at being discounted when she says that violence by males is still a problem that society hasn’t yet solved.
The women’s health worker, knowing the self-hatred and body dysmorphia ingrained in so many young women, incensed that any child should be invited to see themselves as “in the wrong body”.
The academic, chilled and silenced as she watches her overseas counterparts lose their careers for questioning puberty blockers or advocating watchful waiting for children rather than medical intervention.
The midwife incensed at being scolded for calling her clients “women” and “mothers”.
The committed Christian, grieved and angry that people can’t see that homosexuality and wilful refusal of the time-honoured roles of men and women are unnatural and must be resisted for society to thrive.
The ordinary bloke who thinks the whole thing is crazy, incomprehensible and a waste of time when there are way more important things to tackle, like cost of living and underfunded hospitals.
The Leftwing activists quietly sharing their concern among themselves, not wanting to derail other crucial issues, waiting for the furore to pass.
The progressive activists determined to do their best by this marginalised minority group and fiercely policing and countering any threat to their friends.
The elderly couple at the trans support rally saying “Well, everyone should be able to be who they are.”
It’s tempting for any of us to respond immediately to such a list with “But not all … are like that”, “That’s not MY experience”, “That person needs…/ought to…”. Each of us have different views into the tangle, know different people, have had different life experiences. These are just mine. The point is—this is not a simple issue to be resolved just at the intellectual/scientific/legal level. How we experience and think about our physical sexed bodies, sexual desire, gender identity and presentation, the behaviour expected of men and women, how we treat children—all this touches us at our core and brings strong responses. Let’s acknowledge that and honour it in each person.
While a lot of different people are caught up in this, they tend to bunch into a few clashing camps. I’m going to loosely characterise these as: queer/LGBTQ+ culture, the feminist movement, and traditional/religious communities. Many in these groupings have strong critiques of the others. Many also have their feet in several camps. My guess also is that many may not know much about those in other camps.
Can we find common ground among these camps? Now, it’s easier and tempting to keep pinpointing the limitations and faults of other camps in our effort to win for our side. And to insist on the terms and definitions that matter to us. But let’s for a moment refrain from pulling on our strands and instead work to loosen the tangle. Here’s a look at what each of these different takes on sex, gender and sexuality bring to society—what insights, strengths, contributions—taonga. Again, this is just one person’s take on it. It’s not a set of arguments; it’s a scatter of pearls.
The power of queering the world: refusing to use common definitions of man and woman is an interesting and disruptive invitation to think differently about how males and females could live as humans in the world. Someone presenting themself as opposite to expected, or as neither one nor the other, or as both – this challenges deeply embedded patriarchal norms. Like good clowning, this can be both intensely serious and hugely frivolous (gay, in fact!).
Claiming the feminine for all humans regardless of sex or sexuality: our world is increasingly dominated by authoritarian hyper-masculine values—warmongering, corporate greed, misogynist memes in social media, contempt for underclass “losers”, utter disregard for Te Taiao and Gaia. In such a world it can be radical resistance to stand up so personally for/with/as the feminine, especially when a male does so. And more men/males are doing so, irrespective of their sexuality or gender identity.
Blurring boundaries and creating inclusion: the term “trans” has shifted away from its original reference to just to the tiny proportion of people who strongly want to and do pass as the “opposite sex”. “Transgender” is becoming a catch-all term, like “queer”, for any human, regardless of biological sex or sexuality, who resists traditional gender roles. This blurs the definitions and boundaries of sex, gender and sexuality and focuses instead on inclusion and community. This makes it easier for more people to explore and play with sexual orientation and gender expression and identity, moving society towards greater acceptance of difference.
Standing up passionately for women: it’s only 50 years ago that NZ women couldn’t get mortgages, abortion, equal pay, non-violence orders, top jobs… Only 30 years since the Human Rights Act 1993 outlawed discrimination based on sex or sexual orientation. Now we are seeing a growing backlash overseas against women’s and gay rights. In Aotearoa we’re witnessing the roll-back of legal protections for Te Tiriti, Te Reo, Te Taiao, pay equity and more. Our human rights are as vulnerable to dismantling as the Welfare State is proving to be.
Celebrating the power and delight of female physicality: bodies, sex, birthing, nursing, menopause, being whaea and kuia. Insistence that all girls be taught to treasure and take charge of their own bodies with pride and confidence. Feminism holds the herstory of how hard females had to fight to reach this place of confidence and what it still takes to maintain it against shaming pressures from inside and outside.
Freeing sexed bodies from gendered expectations: feminine and masculine have long been defined in ways that limit men’s and women’s ability to be fully human. The huge body of work done by 1970s-80s feminists to identify the precise social structures and interactions that (still now) channel men and women into these gender roles and keep us there. A vision that we can be more than this, any human can be deeply nurturing, any human can be a brave fighter. And that it’s OK to be neither or any combo of both.
The importance of material power and control: framing opposition to patriarchy as resistance and liberation rather than as marginalised groups seeking inclusion in the mainstream. Focusing on the material ways that power is wielded—from physical strength and force to ownership and control over land, resources, other people’s labour, enforced by ideology, laws, armies. A vision of a world where people live together without any groups dominating any others.
The healing power of separate spaces for an oppressed group: a safe place to speak bitterness, lick wounds. An incubator for creating community, for envisaging alternative worlds—“I am woman giving birth to myself”and “A woman loving a woman is the Earth healing herself”—old posters with crazy inspiring visions…
The man/woman dyad is a stable enduring one: it works well where physical reality makes it imperative that both sexes work closely together and where men’s physical strength and boldness complement women’s endurance and nurturing. Right now, as we face the real likelihood of ongoing global war and climate chaos, broken supply chains and food scarcity, the old well-tried skills will prove valuable. When we must work with our neighbours for food and support, our practical skills and capabilities will matter more than our sex or gender identity.
Practical know-how in building local community: Aotearoa is covered in a protective patchwork of local communities, centred around marae, churches, faith communities, local councils, neighbourhoods and more. They emerge when quakes, floods and emergencies hit a locality. They are based on steady connections among local people, and on values of caring for one another, finding practical solutions, common-sense, reliability, courage and hard work.
The usefulness of privacy in matters to do with sex: sometimes it’s helpful not to talk much about sex or sexual identity or differences between the sexes/genders. Sometimes it’s best and easiest to just be accepting while one’s young relative explores all that stuff. It’s the personal relationship you have with them that matters most, the love and trust that shows in your actions towards each other that matter more than what words you each use.
Can we untangle the mess and weave the qualities above into a new cloak to warm and protect us all? Can we find some common ground here? Here are some broad themes that I think appear in the three camps:
We all need to be and to feel included, respected and have a place in our communities.
All humans have the same rights to life and protection, regardless of sex, sexuality or gender, and regardless of what we think about these matters.
Femininity and femaleness both need to be valued and protected more by society than they are now.
Males’ greater tendency to violence against others needs to be managed better by society than it is now.
All humans should be free to express themselves as they want, so long as they do not exert power over others.
So, how do we shift this fraught situation? Maybe we start by building relationships with one another across the camps. Staying centred, relaxed, open, receptive and curious. Refraining from the “gotcha” temptation to point-score. Loosening up over what’s important, going for the possible rather than the perfect. Tackling one smaller situation at a time (e.g. one sport, not all) and reaching for pragmatic compromises. What to do about the key definitions? How about considering a pragmatic agreement that physical sex and gender identity/experience/presentation are different from one another and each can be important for how people see themselves?
What jumps out at me is how many of us invested in this issue are women and/or feminine (however we define these terms), and how most of us see ourselves as progressive. This gender war, like the race war fomented by the Coalition, divides and distracts us from coming together to oppose the far-Right agenda of deregulating, privatising and opening Aotearoa up for the benefit of global investors, including the US military machine.
It’s also a culture war that feels a bit alien, a social media backwash from overseas. Aotearoa is the country where many still remember transsexuals (their term) Georgina Beyer and Carmen Rupe with respect and fondness. The country where 1,000+ people from all walks of life gathered to celebrate Jools Topp’s life1. Let’s take heart and inspiration from that life and from the Topps’ fiery activism and ability to reach so many New Zealanders with their openness, acceptance and energetic chaotic gaiety. It’s time to turn to one another and continue that work.
“The celebration of Dame Jools Topp,” 19/6/26, Auckland, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpaRXSmsUeU↩︎
Watchdog 172 -- August 2026
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